Monday, March 10, 2014

How to Defend Against Zombies.

Zombies are an imminent threat that will be upon humanity in the next decade. I can feel it in my loins. Whether it comes from our own doing or the dark lords intentions; they are coming. The best way to defend yourself would to be to follow these steps. They are patented to assure your survival.

1) Don't make bonds with anyone. You could meet a sexy lady and fall in love, then boom. She is a zombie with no face and half a leg.

2) Learn how to kill silently. You don't want all of zombie Timbuktu getting all up in yo face. For the love of God, please kill quietly unless absolutely necessary to use a gun. (Bows, crossbows, machetes, karate, etc)

3) Find a safe spot away from any civilization. The last thing you need is some dingleberries that survived the zombie apocalypse taking your stuff. Plus you'll be away from all the zombies. Being away from zombies and dingleberries is good.

4) Watch the Walking Dead and you will see exactly what and what not to do. It is also possibly the greatest show ever (though the second half of the 4th season has been a bit slow).

5) Be in shape. You might have to run away for 2 days nonstop. There is literally no other way to go about escaping. You cannot be out of shape or else you will be disemboweled by millions of zombies.

With these rules you will survive. 60% of the time, these rules work all the time.

Monday, February 3, 2014

When Bears Attack!

Bears. Possibly the deadliest creature ever. They can run at 35 mph, can smell you from over a mile away, and can bring mass destruction to all humanity if they please; and I'll show you how to defend yourself against such a powerful adversary! I assume that if you are viewing this blog then you are not a master of karate or other manly or womanly defense arts. Bears are omnivores, which means they eat both veggies and meat. Which means they might get a taste for human flesh; and if you run into that bear that wants you in his/her belly, here is what you do:

You want to be a terror to bears everywhere. You want them to tell tales of your bravery and intensity.

Don't let them push you around. You are a man (or woman). We invented the wheel and harnessed the power of fire. We can fight back against the bear menace.

Step 1) Avoid bears. If you see a bear keep a 300ft distance from them and go far around. If they get close make calm noises but stand tall. When in a bear infested area be loud while walking through the bear zone.
2) It is best not to carry around food with you. While not all bears are after your flesh they might be after your food; and your demise.
3) If you are attacked by polar bears or grizzly bears, go fetal for a few minutes so that the bears can leave the vicinity. Or if you have a gun shoot the bear to heck.
4) If you are against a black bear, fight back. Go for the nose. Give it all you got, make a spear or punch it straight in  the face. Make the bears fear your very essence.
5) Go home alive.

Next blog will be about something so dangerous that 60% of the time, they will kill you ALL the time.

Defense Against the Dark Arts

The world is full of dangerous creatures. Studies show that you are 90% more likely to die if you get out of bed. But do not fret! I, Zach Lee will teach you how to defend yourself against anything. You could spend countless hours mastering karate or join the army. But why do that when you could learn from someone with 0 experience in the subject. It'll be a learning journey. A learney.

Don't let this image happen to you.

Don't let this man take your purse or man-satchel.
Become a master of self-defense. Defend yourself, defend your family, defend you friends. After reading this blog, you can even become a vigilante of mass protection. I'll start you all in the right direction: Bear Attacks.